Expectations
In recovery programs, they refer to expectations as “pre-meditated resentments” and a build up of resentments as a very slippery slope to acting out compulsively in some way. Something to be avoided or greatly minimized, in other words. I used to struggle a lot with resentment, though less so now, and still work on observing and releasing expectations.
One of my favorite authors is Buddhist nun, Pema Chodron. Her book, Start Where You Are, really helped me grow my compassion, especially for myself. In, Don’t Bite the Hook, I learned several tips for not hooking in to anger and resentment. And one of the key takeaways was around expectations. She points out that we don’t expect fire to be cold or ice to be hot. When it’s cold out, I’m not mad and resentful at the weather, I just get a coat. We generally don’t expect for things to be uncharacteristic of their nature. Yet, how often we expect people who are asleep and unaware to behave as though they’re “woke”. I know I’ve done it a lot and it’s caused a great deal of frustration.
I try to give others the benefit of the doubt, imagine it was a friend of mine doing the same thing (e.g. driving badly, having a bad day) and that maybe there was an explanation that makes it easier to show patience and let go. But sometimes, behavior can be so outrageous and consistent it’s quite challenging to suspend expectations, judgement and resentment. And this year has blown all previous parameters out of the water, in terms of outrageous behavior, so I’ve had plenty of opportunities to practice this.
When there’s no scenario that could make someone’s actions logical or necessary and they consistently show up as insensitive and unaware, it helps me to consider that they are behaving according to their nature, and there is no sense in getting perturbed by that. I just need to respond accordingly. I’m less influenced or attached now to the appearance of maturity, education, professionalism, spirituality or whatever it may be, and stay open to what is shown of someone’s nature. This requires that I stay very present and suspend assumptions and expectations.
In the toughest scenarios where I’ve been unable to avoid expectations and haven’t been able to get myself unhooked quickly, I employ a tool I learned in early recovery. And that is to pray for whoever has deeply offended or disappointed or angered me for 30 days, without missing a day, or I start over. I pray for them to have all that I would wish for those I love most. It’s like turning a grain of sand, whatever part of their attitude or behavior has lodged under my skin, into a pearl. It’s not easy, but out of love for myself first and foremost, I transform it.
