How Precious and Fleeting is the Time
I can’t hope to do this topic justice in a short blog post. But as I think of the changes I’ve made in my life, and continue to make, and the persistence and urgency I’ve tackled them with, I credit my early and deep awareness of this fact. Every hour spent is time I’ll never get back. I try not to waste it.
Growing up, I was actually raised to believe that this life doesn’t matter much. It’s the “next life” in the hereafter, that was emphasized most. Getting there with the most points was the goal. But when I was failing in that (according to the model set out for me) and drowning in despair, I was actually on the verge of a breakthrough. Being unsupported and even encouraged to end it all, I attempted to exit via overdose. I was 14, and luckily, I failed at that too. For then I had the opportunity to have one of many lightbulb moments.
Perhaps it was the most important one, for it was the realization that I had the opportunity for more moments — period. I felt that just maybe, there was a reason I was spared. Maybe I could be useful. And just maybe, there was a purpose for what I had gone through that I didn’t know about yet. As I continued to get even less support at home, and was punished and further isolated for bringing embarrassment to my family, I sought outside support.
There was no internet, personal computing or smartphones. I didn’t drive and had been pulled from school and cut off from all associations they felt were influencing me, which was basically anything outside the house. And since they now didn’t feel they could trust me, I was monitored most of the time. But I started to have the thought that the problem may not be ENTIRELY me. It was dawning on me that my environment and the people in it had a lot to do with how I was feeling and the extent to which I was coping. I had to get creative to seek out counseling and tools to help me fix what I could. One of the tools I used included values exploration, so I could differentiate what was true for me personally, versus what I simply accepted as truth that had been installed by others. My process of individuation had begun.
As I was then being homeschooled, I had to be dropped off periodically for testing and to visit the library. We lived far out of town but these trips would take me into town. I would say I needed twice as long as I actually did, and then bus across town to see a counselor and bus back before pick up time. I had to be covert about it as I did not have the approval or support of my family, despite my deteriorated condition. I checked out a lot of books on psychology and eagerly absorbed everything the counseling center provided. I had gone from a childhood belief and focus on an eternal hereafter, which I was sure I had ruined any chances of, to a visceral understanding of this short and precious life I still had access to. I wanted to fix it as much as I could, as fast as I could, and enjoy it as best and as fully as possible.
That proved to be a long and winding road, with some backsliding along the way. But the effort has definitely been worth it, and my dedication to being true to myself has not wavered. As I’ve lost people I loved, my sense of how precious and fleeting the time is has only deepened, along with my commitment to stay current with those in my life and shower as much love as I can in this realm, while I still have the chance.
I think due to the changed pace and activities during the recent pandemic, many people are examining their lives and relationships to see how they can improve and live more authentically. Many are disillusioned and disappointed by what they thought was true that hasn’t been validated. While this disruption, and all that’s come with it, has been tragic on multiple levels, there is good to come out of it too.
If you have been affected in negative ways, my encouragement is to stay positive and hopeful; to cherish this brief life and the people in it you love, and who love you. Heal your grief and disappointment and keep moving towards your goals, nurturing yourself as you celebrate your progress. Honor your innate power and your wise and knowing heart, which is naturally attuned to beauty, joy and gratitude.
