Narcissistic Supply
Once upon a time…that was me. It’s something that often comes with the territory of being an empath, as narcissists seek out the strengths they lack and they can often more easily take advantage of someone who wants to understand and be supportive and groom them into a codependent.
It took some time and heartbreak to start to recognize the signs: trauma bonding, love bombing, gas lighting. But I got better at discerning when someone’s attention was solely about them, what responses they could tease out, what hits they could extract. Whatever redeeming qualities I might see or hope for in such a partner, were never enough to cover the cost that they, and their behavior, exacted on a regular basis.
With new knowledge and tools, it became much easier to see far earlier when someone claiming a lot of interest and devotion did not, in fact, have a genuine interest or understanding of me or my way of being in the world. Instead, they gave just enough to inspire my attention and generosity and were quite content to feed off of that as long as it was available, and giving just enough crumbs to keep it all going. And, while I attract that much less now, when it does happen, I can quickly shut it down and return full focus on my health, well-being and growth. For while I recognize that it isn’t always done intentionally, and the narcissist is doing the best they can with what they know, being their support and source of supply is not what I want my life to be about.
The people I allow into my life today have a genuine interest in me, how I think, what I need, who I’m becoming. They support and encourage me to pursue my dreams and live my most authentic self. There is mutuality in empathy, sensitivity, generosity. While it took some difficult decisions and hard work, it has been a huge blessing to see and know the difference, and to act in my own best interests. I only have those in my life that are capable of the respect, understanding and support I need and deserve. And for everyone else, I send love and healing energy from a distance.
So if you’re someone who finds yourself in toxic relationships and the losing battle of finding happiness with a narcissist, just know that your best life is waiting for you on the other side. Get more knowledge on the tell-tale signs, do some soul searching, and set some hard and firm boundaries. They will either: 1.Change (not as likely but possible — just don’t be fooled by false attempts with as little effort as possible accompanied by gaslighting and other manipulation tactics), 2. double their efforts to pull you back to how you were before you got wise to their bullshit, or 3. leave and find someone else to be their supply of attention, esteem, power and empathy. It may hurt to realize they never loved you (or likely, anyone else) but it’s a fresh beginning. Even if you’re alone for awhile, you can use that time to heal and grow. As you give yourself the love you were hoping to get from them, you’ll have new skills, more strength and resilience, and room in your life for genuine, caring people. And you’re worth it.
